Bieber love!

I walked into my cubicle on V day to find Bieber posters and cards all over wishing me a good Valentine's day.

I have been Bieber-pranked. 

My neighbour at work wanted to make my day special. Good ol' Mark. 

V day was never celebrated in Mauritius. We never made cards for our teachers or our classmates. It's only in the last few years that the commercialism has reached the tiny island. Yet, I'm fairly sure kindergartens and schools haven't caught up with the way V day is celebrated in North America. This is borderline insane.

I must admit that I wanted to stay home yesterday but the water was being shut off in the building, so I had to go into work. Mark thought and proved that I stayed and worked from home last V day. Okay fine, I do try to hide on that day, only because I did not want people to ask me if I have a date.

Yesterday was good though. Nobody asked about dates or boyfriends or anything, friends wished me a happy v day and told me I looked hot, I brought in red velvet cupcakes to give away to people who have sent me candy grams and nothing dramatic happened. Just a routine day with some extra candy. Now why can't every day be V day??!?!?!

To be or not to be...

Hello, world.

I have not been myself these last few days. I would think it is PMS, but I have been more depressed than I have ever been for a while. It feels like I am at a crossroads in my life.

I have been questioning the purpose of my life and the purpose of life in general. I hit such a low point that I even thought to myself, this journey is not enjoyable at all and we are all heading in the same direction and that's  the final destination. Depressing, I know!! Did I have suicidal thoughts? Not the least. Why? Probably my Catholic upbringing. Which brings me to a series of conversations I have had with my coworkers this week.

I asked my coworker what he thought was the purpose of life and he told me that life is meant to be lived with all your heart and the purpose of one's life is to love as much as you can, the people around you. He is not a particularly religious person, he believes that people can be good even if they do not follow some religion and that consequently, if one lives one's life without hurting another being, and do not sweat the small stuff, then one's purpose in life has been fulfilled. I asked him, what does he think MY purpose in life is and he said, candidly, 'to make the people around you happy'.

It may be true, I try as much as I can to make the people around me happy. However I do not feel that it is enough. I can make a handful of people happy on a daily basis, but is it all I've been designed to do in my life? How about what would make me happy? How about what would get me out of this misery I've been feeling lately? I have often thought about becoming a nun, partly because I feel like renouncing all my worldly possessions and committing to a life of giving would somehow fulfill me. People always laugh it off though, partly because I am not an angel by any definition of the word and a life of celibacy is unimaginable to most people. 

This brought on a full on discussion on religion and what the Bible says with some other coworkers. The Christians are always the most passionate. I am a very laid back Catholic, I might have a shaky faith, but I am definitely a theist. I have not believed everything written in the Bible since I read 'The DaVinci Code'. Not that I have verified any of the facts in the book, it just got me thinking and I have come out of it, with some reserve on the source of the Holy Book and on religion, but it has in no way convinced me of the inexistence of a deity.

My coworker then asked a Christian coworker what he thinks of polygamy then?
Most of the Bible condones it. Should he be polygamous now, does that condemn him to hell? Is what the Bible says dictate the basis of whether he has lived a good life or not? Whether he is a good person or not? Or do the rules of modern society determine his 'goodness' as a person. 

I guess it comes down to what you think the definition of marriage is. Could you love more than 1 person at the same time and treat them all equally? Could you manage more than 1 set of expectations? Another coworker said that a marriage contract should have an expiry date, so when the expiry date is approaching, you can renew the contract, or decide to go your separate ways. But such a definition of marriage should also come with a bunch of rules and laws about what to do for the kids of these expired marriage contracts.That would make divorce the norm, and assure the success of marriage contracts for their duration! What kind of impact would that have on our society as we know it? Would there be more separated parents? Would the possibility of a marriage contract not being renewed at the next decision point make people more attentive to their partners? More likely to keep the romance alive?

In any case, a large percentage of our society follow some kind of religion. A lot of non-religious people actually prefer religious teachings even if they don't believe in God. They find merit in having had a religious education. A nun with a shaky belief in the Bible would probably not do for the church, but I believe I could fit into the mold for anything else that a nun stands for. Sister Carine. That has a nice ring to it.

I vow...

...not to vow about things I do not know.

 I just watched The Vow. (Watch the trailer below and stop reading! Spoiler alert!)

 

One vow. To one person. Forever.
The thought is scary (for the commitment-phobic). The idea, romantic. The reality quite different.
Nobody knows how another person feels. Words are just that, words. Actions done today to convey a feeling may not reflect our feelings the next day. What then is true and real? Other than the feeling we have at a particular moment in time, when we have the conviction of our feeling?


The movie talks about how we are the sum of all the moments in our lives. That I agree on.
This moment that I am sharing with you, that's a moment in my life that I am choosing to share with you. Lots of editing because I am particular about what I want to share with the world. Our lives though, do not allow for editing. The moments fall upon us, sometimes through the opportunities we give ourselves, sometimes imposed upon us by events, a lot of times through no fault or reason within our control.


I have often wondered how, when two people are in love with each other, do we discern which one has the greater love for the other?
In the movie, it would seem that the guy's love is infallible. Yet, he had to give up on her, let her go. Nothing he could control. No matter how much he loved her, he could not force her to love him back. What do you do when the one you love forgets that they love you? I can imagine it would be terrible. I can imagine how you would try to grasp at the cherished memories you once shared. But what do you do when those memories are lost?  This is not such an extraordinary story after all. People break up all the time because they fall out of love. Why did they fall out of love? One or both of them has forgotten about their common shared moments. Or the cherished moments have been outnumbered by sadder or unhappy ones. Or they are not sharing any 'moments' anymore.


I have been moved by this movie, I must admit.
Partly because I realize that if I lose part of my memory tomorrow, some of the moments in my life would remain secret forever. And partly because at the end of the movie, it says that she never regained her memory. That is 5 years of her life she never regained, erased forever, as if they never happened. If I erased 5 yrs of my life today, where would I be? Who would I be? Would I be a better person then? Would I have turned out worse have I chosen a different path? So many questions that nobody can answer, not even I. How then, could people make vows for the rest of their lives, when they don't even know how they will feel tomorrow?

I shall vow to try my best to be happy tomorrow. But that's up to the weather I guess.

P.S: Friends and family, I have a journal, please make sure to make me read it if I lose my memory.

With a side of hair, please!

At lunch the other day, my coworkers were talking about how their wives' hair was all over the place at home.

Now if there is carpet in your home, the hair gets stuck wherever it falls and if you walk around with double-sided tape on your socks, you could get a nice impromptu stuffed animal made of hair! Gross...I know. Plus, the vacuum cleaner gets all stuffed with it too.

On the other hand, if you have hardwood floors, or tiles or whatever that is not fluffy and catch hair, then the fallen hair kinda bundles together and you get these balls of hair in every other corner of your house.

I've always had long hair. I only consciously cut my hair shorter than shoulder length twice in my adult life, both times to donate. That being said, I've been well trained to pick up my hair. Early in my teenage years, my mom threatened to have my hair cut because the long strands of black hair on every surface, in the drains, and sometimes in food, were testing her patience daily. So I picked up the habit of...well, picking up my hair when it falls on the floor when drying it and not letting it get to the drain when washing it. I figured it's better to stick them to the wall until after my shower and then get rid of them, than fishing them from the drain after!

So, I did not feel at all concerned about the lunch topic. Future husband, if you are out there and scared of hair, don't worry, you will not be b*tching about MY hair with your buddies!

Where I come from...

I was watching TV the other day and the commercial for Ancestry.com came up and I thought to myself  'There's no way I could find my ancestors on there!'.

I know that my grandmother on my mother's side is Mauritian. Her mom comes from China. I know nothing about her husband, he died young and we barely talk about him. I do not know anything about my dad's parents. They both passed away before I was born. My dad's father only lived long enough to make sure that the family name will survive (my brother being that dream fulfilled). My dad's mother died young, reason unknown to me.

So, I cannot even fill out the 3rd row from the bottom of the tree below. How could a website like ancestry.com help me?

Most Mauritians of chinese descent in my generation are 2nd or 3rd generation Mauritians. Maybe it's just me, but all I know is that sometime, somewhere, my ancestors decided that they should take a risk and cross the Indian Ocean on a boat for what they hoped was a brighter future. My dad still has some family in China, I don't know where exactly. I don't even know my grandparents' names. I could probably find out by looking at my parents' birth certificates. That I guess could be a starting point. It is unlikely that much more could be found though.Not by me anyways. Not knowing the language written or spoken is a major disadvantage here. They definitely didn't have computers back then to know who left the country and when (they probably do not track the 1.3 billion of people there now, so why would they do it 70-80 years ago? And how would they have done it? With scrolls? So I almost want to challenge Ancestry.com here, but they probably require more than a name and a date of birth to do so.

My sister-in-law is expecting. I was overjoyed when I learned about the pregnancy. This baby will be the first baby of the next generation for my family. Although she is not born yet, I already love her. I cannot wait to see her face and figure out what she gets from our side of the family and what she gets from her mom's side.

What would my brother tell her about where she comes from though? Great-grandparents are from China, grandparents are from Mauritius, dad is from Mauritius, mom is from Singapore and.....aunt is in Canada. Such a long story already, yet only the tip of the iceberg!! What about our forefathers who made the life-changing decision to leave their hometown, braved the months at sea and started a new life in a strange country, ruled by a different ethnic group. I can only imagine what it was like. None of my ancestors was famous, or particularly gifted, or particularly rich, yet they have undeniably paved the way for us. Without them, I probably wouldn't be here in Canada, doing what they did some 70 years ago, establishing roots in a new country, away from the rest of the family.

For that, I am grateful.

Girl power

One week ago, I was in the midst of moving frenzy.
The day started quietly, packing the last few items, cleaning up what I could.
Then I went to pick up the truck.
Yes. I drove a 16 footer, all by myself. That, in itself, is a feat.

First order of the day was to pick up brand new furniture from The Brick's distribution centre. Of course, I was told to park the truck into loading area #20, the first one on the left, into a corner. My back parking skills are way better than my parallel parking skills, so maneuvering into that loading dock was tricky, but I managed to do it without crashing the truck into the concrete wall! Yay me! I had no idea how much room was left when I was backing straight into the dock though, so I had to step out, scope the distance left and get back into the driver's seat. Fortunately there was a kind soul there who saw me get out and back in, and he positioned himself at the back to indicate how much further I could go. *sigh*...that's what happens when you do things alone, you rely on the kindness of strangers and you hope there will be someone there who would offer help in times of need.

Next thing on the agenda was to drive back home. Cousins and friends were there already, moving stuff into the moving room so that by the time I got there with the truck, they only took 45 minutes to load it and we were on our way to my new home! Pizzas arrived like by magic (not quite, unless you count bribing a cousin as magic) and after some food and jokes, the truck was unloaded and all the boxes moved in. I would not dismiss the crew before my bed was assembled (that's foresight, right there, I was not going to deal with that big-ass bed frame by myself later!), so there I was in my new home, with 4 engineers re-assembling my bed!!!

That was not the end of the day. I had to go back to the old place, return the truck and trek back downtown. The schedule for the day was hectic, only because I had to do it all. I am grateful for the family and friends who came to help, but I would have certainly enjoyed it if some of that load was taken off me.

It is in situations like these, in life-changing events, or less dramatically, routine-changing events, that I wish I was not single. It would have been nice to have shared the planning details, the worrying and the tasks. It would have been nice, if there was someone I could count on for emotional support. Not that my friends are not here for that, but I can imagine that it is a different feeling when two people can share the same burden together. I guess that is why you need two to raise a kid, it would be overwhelming to assume the responsibility of another life all by oneself. Not that it is impossible, it is just harder on the body and on the mind.

Having said that, I was torn with other feelings as well that day. Feelings of incredible pride in the fact that I could endeavour to rent a truck and drive it and return it without a scratch. Feeling of accomplishment for such an undertaking as to decide to move and to see it to completion. And the immense satisfaction that comes from knowing I did what I had to do without breaking down physically or emotionally. I am an independent woman and just the realization of that, makes me feel the full potential of my inner strength.

Sometimes I wonder, if I can feel this powerful by myself, how invincible would I be if I was part of a team? My independence, as much as it is working for me (as the young, modern, successful professional living in the big city that I am) is probably the one major impediment to finding myself a partner in crime. How to find someone "strong" enough to be part of that team, that has been the challenge so far!
The feeling of needing someone else does not linger for very long with me. I stand by what I believe in, and that is (among other things) (1) what does not kill you makes you stronger and (2) I would not abandon a winning team unless it is for a better team. Thousands, if not millions, of women go through what I go through, it is not an extraordinary situation or an extraordinary life. But what I am going through is my life and my one shot at it and I am glad to be proud of what my accomplishments are up to date. Goooo girl power!

As the door closes, a window opens...

As 2011 comes to an end, it is time to do a retrospective of the year, or at least of the main events.
My cousin sends out an annual 'newsletter' with pictures and comments, regarding how her family spent the year. I could do that too, however a single person's life does not have a lot of pictures, or rather, the pictures only have 1 subject, so it gets boring.

Nonetheless, when I look back on 2011 what will I remember?
It is the year my dad turned 60 and when I went back home to celebrate with him. 
We went to South Africa for a little less than 2 weeks and I sat on an ostrich.

It is the year I got promoted to band level 8 at work. 
That certainly does not say anything to you, unless you work for a bank and you know what band levels are. But that's not sufficient, you also need to know how many band levels there are and do they increase in number as you get promoted or do they decrease? I still do not know that one, because the previous bank I worked for has it the opposite way from the current bank I work for, so it's confusing. What can I do, I'm getting older, my memory is just not the same anymore. :)

It is the year I turned 30.
It's quite humbling to realize that time passes without you realizing it. I have just been invited to an 18-year-old's birthday party and I can still remember when he was a baby with chubby cheeks and I wanted to hold him and play with him in the sand. Now, what? What happens when you are old enough to remember 18 year old's when they were babies? Argh, you keep going of course, nothing you can do to stop time. You just hope it takes longer for them to turn 30!

It is the year I finally went to Vegas. 
This has been on my travel bucket list for a while and man, did it hold its end of the bargain. Glad I went with a group of friends that was fun and I had the opportunity to make a couple of new friends as well.

Those are the main events of 2011...oh wait, there is another one worth mentioning!

It is the year I decided to move downtown. 
So here's the window of 2012 opening. I want to say 'Oops, I'm moving again!'. This would be the third place where I'd be living by myself and it's as exciting as the first time I moved.
My resolutions for 2012 are mostly based on the fact that I will be moving to this new place, such as going to the gym every day, swimming at least twice a week, walking everywhere downtown, taking my bike during the summer, and the list goes on and on about how living downtown will make me lead a healthier lifestyle and how I'll make good use of the time saved through less commuting. Who's with me here? How many of you are actually betting against the odds? How many are betting that just as resolutions go, these are not going to hold in the long haul?
We shall see, 2012, we shall see.

I'm starting the year in good faith, hoping for many good things (and perfect babies for all my friends expecting) to come, many places to travel to, more time to spend with loved ones and renewed faith in humanity.
Don't disappoint 2012! We've been told it is the year the world comes to an end, but I don't believe in that BS.
2012 is going to be awesome...because I say so!

The knot was tied!

At the beginning of this December, one of my best friends got married.
This was a big affair, mostly because it was the first time I was going to be in the wedding party. It is an honour of course, because the other 2 bridesmaids were her sisters.

If you haven't had someone close to you get married lately, you wouldn't know, but this whole wedding business is not quite a walk in the park! My friend had a wedding planner (services she won in a contest) and yet she was freaking out on the big day; thinking how long the hairdresser needs to do her hair, what happened to the photo booth, the guests not on the wedding favors' list, where is everybody, etc. It is a stressful day for any bride, I'm sure. Even more so when you cannot trust people to do what they are supposed to do because some of them are flaky! Despite all the rehearsals and lists, you still cannot predict everything that could go wrong.

All in all though, the day went on smoothly. Months of preparation for that one perfect day.
While I was standing there watching my friend making her vows to her soon-to-be husband, I couldn't help but think about the meaning of those decisive words. How many people take this literally and how many people take it as 'till divorce do us part?'. How many people can truthfully say that they know, without any doubt, that they will not fall in love with someone else, or at least, if they do, that they will not leave their spouse for that person?

That very same friend's parents argue a lot on a daily basis and she has often wondered if they have stayed together over the years for her sake and that of her sisters. No doubt that she is grateful that her parents are still together, I don't see her saying that she would have loved to have divorced parents. But she has often wondered aloud whether her parents might not be in love with each other anymore and that they are staying together because of the kids or because they don't know anything else other than being married to each other.
How sad is that? Are kids happier when their parents are still together, even begrudgingly so? Or are kids happier when their parents are happy, even if not together? Who knows really. Nobody could do research on the same subjects for both test cases and people are intrinsically different, what would make someone happy (like seeing your parents happy - separated) could make someone else resentful (why couldn't you sacrifice yourself for your kids?).

There is no right or wrong answer here. People's actions follow what they can live with. (That's the proverbial phrase of the week!). Just like people who get divorced may say that on their wedding day, at that point in their life, they were 110% sure of their love for each other and that it will last forever, but years later when it wasn't working for them, they couldn't live with the burden of being unhappy even for their kids or for anybody else. The statement goes the other way too though. For the couple who stays together for the sake of their kids, they do so because they couldn't live with the alternative, be it living without their kids or seeing their kids being raised by the other parent. People will do things they can live with in that moment in time even if that means wondering what could have been for the rest of their lives.

I do not condemn or judge any which way. I have experienced it, when I thought without any doubt that I love someone, only to find a few weeks/months later that the love was fickle, that I can live without that person and that he has not made that deep an impression or that the feelings so overwhelming once, do fade with time. Yet, nobody else knows better than myself how I feel. If I cannot say how long my feelings will last, who else can predict it? Wouldn't it be great if at the end of one's life, one could look back and make a list of all regrets and mistakes and go back in time and fix them so that one's life is as perfect as it could be?  Unfortunately, we do not have such a mechanism or process. We make do with what we have, we make compromises, we decide what we could live with and trudge forward, making sure as we go along that we are making the best decision we could make at this point of time, with the facts that we know or the feelings that we have.

So then, the philosophical conclusion of all this analysis would be: to tie the knot with someone, nobody can say with certainty that it will last till the end of time, but it is commonly acknowledged that you are perfectly sure, at this point in your life, that you are in love with that person and that you will do what you can to make this marriage work, or you are 'settling down' with that person because you can live with it, with no regrets you cannot overcome later on. I agree that the first option is more romantic (because it provides the possibility that some people never fall out of love or that they will not know a greater love) however both options imply that there are quite some unhappy people out there and that's sad because we only have one shot at this life.

There is no hiding that making decisions is hard on me, I weigh out my options for everything, even the pettiest of things. But the upside of all this is that I lead a life with little regret. Every action, every decision has been weighed beforehand, and the one that made more sense, that represented less suffering, that had less likelihood of regret later on, was chosen. That mental list is revisited every time regret start bubbling up. This is what works for me, this is what I can live with and that at least, I know.

Back from Sin City

5 nights. 6 days.
That's all it took for me to understand the expression 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'.
Not all of it stays there, I couldn't help but tell my friends and coworkers about my friend's beginners' luck at the craps table on our 2nd night there, where she ended up with $700 without investing any of her own money. Nor about our first cab ride out of our hotel where the cab driver got pulled over to get a ticket and we walked out on him without paying the fare which according to the law, we have the right to do.

Those are anecdotes that are funny to tell when getting home. But how do you explain what goes down there? I have always wanted to visit partly because people couldn't exactly explain how it is, building up on the allure of the city. 
I embarked on the trip with an open mind, following the advice of seasoned tourists on what to bring and what we will be doing there. Little did I know that I'll be in the same room as Paris Hilton and LMFAO!

What do I retain of Sin City? The extravagance. The carefree attitude. It's a party town. At all hours of the day, you can see someone walking down the boulevard a drink in hand. We had jello shots at 3pm, my first ever and the worst tasting kind! I'll think twice before having a second shot! But again perfectly normal there to be drunk by 4pm. Or not ever get sober during your stay there. After all, alcohol flows freely in the casinos, you only have to tip the waitresses. The buffets are grandiose there. We had 'The buffet of buffets' pass for 24 hrs and we ate like we will not see food again for days when the next buffet was just around the corner. We watched 2 shows during our stay; the unavoidable Cirque du Soleil and The Peepshow, featuring Holly Madison. Again, nothing extraordinary about going to watch a show where women flaunt their busty assets in Vegas, it's almost expected. We planned to go to a strip club and to watch The Chippendales too, but The Peepshow was enough to put us girls off. I slept through part of it.

I guess what made this trip so successful is that I was with the right crowd of people. People I am comfortable with, people who when I acted out of character, took it in stride and didn't let it get out of hand or out of Vegas...so far. Vegas does that to you, it extends your comfort zone and makes you do things you wouldn't otherwise do. It makes you feel like a party animal even if you're not. It makes you feel like a gambler. It makes you feel like the ultimate socialite going to shows daily. It makes you feel like you have all the time in the world because all you have to do is... Eat, Play, Watch (shows) and Dance.

Returning home, reality hit hard. Back to work routine, back to making my own meals, no limo to pick us up (we took a limo twice within 6 days there and I've never been in one before!) no neon lights in the streets of Toronto. Everything so bland. The effect is finally wearing off though, 4 days after landing back..... Until next time Vegas!

Profile ... deleted!

This is it!
I give up on online dating sites.
Not that I had much hope to start with, and it's not like I'm registered on every dating site there is out there, but nonetheless, I have deleted my profile on the 3 sites I signed up on.

It all started because one of my friends convinced me that I have nothing to lose and it's a way to meet new people. It is true, you spend a lot of time reading profiles and looking at pictures and sometimes even get excited about someone's profile and meet them. But after 2 yrs of sporadically checking my accounts, I have decided that it is not for me.

This is what I have found:
- Guys lie about their height. It's annoying, but they do. As if you wouldn't figure it out as soon as you see them for the first time.
- People can write whatever they want on their profile, they may re-invent themselves, thinking that if they write it down, and start working on it, then it does not make them liars.
- The only thing you can get from a profile, is the way they think of themselves. None of the content may be true, or all of it may be true, but you wouldn't know until you know and that might be too late.
- Pictures are misleading. No matter how many pictures they post, the person in person might be totally different from what you expect.
- It takes some guts for people to meet strangers, whose only information they get from a website and therefore cannot be relied on. I do not know how some people do it, but I would not meet anybody I haven't talked for a while through emails or messages. Even then, they did not turn out to be what I expected them to be from these communications!!!
AND FINALLY:
- No matter what all the compatibility tests say, chemistry between 2 people cannot be predicted. Scientifically, 2 people could be 100% compatible, but when they meet, there's nothing. And it cannot be forced.

Some people just click and some just do not. Sometimes it can be helped. Sometimes, if given time, something suddenly comes out of nothing. For most people, they can tell if they click with someone right away. I have never been one of these people. Yes, there have been situations where I have clicked with people right away, but not for deeper relationships. So, to humour my friend, I have tried these sites and I have tried to give these guys some time for me to learn to know them and maybe develop some interest in them. But to no avail. It became rather boring to sift through the profiles, or to find one with the right 'tone' on the way they talk about themselves. I have decided that nothing a guy writes about himself could make me want to meet him in person. I was however letting them contact me and I would respond by email if they seem to be half decent. But this too was getting boring....

So, instead of having my information (and my self-written, not always true, profile) out in the cyberspace, I have decided to put an end to this e-dating life. Turning over a new leaf. If there is someone out there who can bear me, then he shall find me. But not on a dating site :).

And since I have decided all this, the only song I can think of is the one below.
(Béa, I dedicate this one to you!)

The art of of living alone

This is a response to my friend SimpleGirl's blog post (The sad thing about having a flatmate - Oct 31, 2011)

I have now lived alone for 4 years. Moved 2 times, once out of my uncle's place and the other time to move into my first condo which I am now selling. So guess what, I'll be moving out again soon! Did I ever consider getting a flatmate ? Yes but I thought better of it. 

It's true that living alone is not for everybody. 

You need to:

1. Not die in your sleep, there's nobody to raise the alarm and notify relatives/friends
2. Be able to enjoy the sound of your own voice talking to yourself and laugh about it
3. Be able to trust that the cake you just baked is good without any feedback 
4. Be able to deal with the silence
   
5. Have enough self confidence to step out of the house without asking anybody else's opinion (unless you take a pic of yourself and send it out for approval which I have done before!!!)
   
6. Not mind eating alone most days
7. Be able to clean up after yourself, there's nobody else you can blame for the mess
8. Replace the toilet paper roll yourself
9. Be able to manage your own moodiness, nobody to vent to at home or share ice cream with when PMSing 
10. Expect to find the things you put in a spot to be at EXACTLY the same spot until you move it
11. Never be bored by yourself 

Now I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice to get home and have a 'lovely' flatmate making dinner for both of you or to have someone to have a laugh with. But that's what the Internet is for :). Anytime I need to talk to someone, I am lucky enough to have a worldwide pool of friends (ensuring every time zone is covered!) from which to pick my victim. A flatmate could certainly add some humanity to your house just as long as you do not mind sharing your space with someone else. Someone who would bring their quirks and habits to your space.
My concern is cleanliness. I'm borderline Monica from Friends so yeah, a flatmate would probably drive me nuts especially knowing that I have the option of not having one. 

This is a pic of my place set up for showings.

Would I have been able to keep it as spotless with a flatmate? Unlikely. 

Yes I like living alone, do I sound like a spinster yet? :P

The end of another decade...

As I close the month I turned 30, I reflect on the past 3 decades and
what I have accomplished and how far I've come.
I cannot but acknowledge that the life I have is a privileged one.
When I was a teenager, I used to try to envision what my life would be
when I am done high school. I used to dream that I'd live in that
far-away country where there is snow, polar bears and bubble gum in a
roll. Here I am, a few years later, actually calling this great
country home! The journey from little me on an island in the Indian
Ocean, to 30-yr-old me, living by myself, building a career,
accumulating life experiences, has not been a walk in the park. Of
course a lot of people do what I did, some under worse circumstances
and with less luck than me. There's nothing extraordinary to it.
However, it does build character and emotional strength and I am proud
of the challenges I have overcome. I am proud that I can say today,
that my happiness does not depend on anybody else but me and THAT is
something to cherish.
All this, of course, would not have been possible, if my parents did
not allow me to follow my dreams. Nor would it have been possible if
it wasn't for the incredible people I have met along the way. Some of
them, I have unfortunately lost track of, but they are remembered
fondly every now and then. It's funny how things turn out sometimes,
but I feel blessed and grateful for all the opportunities and mishaps
I had and man, I've had quite a few. After all, 3 decades do not go by
without any glitch or windfall, especially for a drama queen like me.
They say age, as happiness, is a state of mind. Well my mind says that
I'm 23 and I will make sure it stays that way for a while. At least
until my body strongly argues to the contrary. This is how I choose to
embark on my 4th decade. No regrets, no turning back, forging ahead
and making this life count!
Qui m'aime me suit!

These 3 words...

...they can change our lives forever. (Celine Dion?).

I. LOVE. YOU.
I caught a cute conversation between a mom and her daughter today. After a pause, the little girl just said 'I love you Mommy' and my heart melted. <3

This is quite common here, kids learn at a young age to express themselves in public and to communicate their feelings. In Mauritius, it is way less popular. We grow up assuming our parents love us without the need to ever hear it nor the need to express it in person. To this day, I don't recall ever saying something as uncensored and simple, as this little girl's four-word sentence, to my mom. And anybody who knows me knows that my mom is the person I love the most in this world. I have written it in cards and have certainly shown her by being the doting daughter. But all 3 languages I could have used to say it failed me every time my heart was so full I wanted to say it.

That should not be hard in theory. I have said those three words before, to guys I barely talk to these days. Yet I can't say it to the one person who carried me inside of her for 9 months.
Well....it's not just her. I don't think I ever said it to my brother nor to my dad..... Wait a sec, I don't think I've ever said it to anybody in my extended family except my cousin who kinda forced it out of me by repeatedly saying she loves me! So then, it would be easier said to someone if you have the practice of hearing it over and over again!

That would make sense. It is way easier to say 'I love you too' to someone once they have said it. It even makes it easier for one to initiate the exchange the next time too. It's the fact that we know the other person has said it and therefore will not reject our vocal display of affection. Not that my mom would reject mine, but she might be confused to hear it for the first time after 30 years. She might even be lost for words! The fault is all hers then. Had she raised me by repeatedly professing her maternal love for me, it would be easier for me to say it today. Maybe some of the exes would have been grateful for that too. It must have been hard for them to extract those words from me as I am definitely an 'actions speak louder than words' person. But then I'm obviously not with any of these guys today. I wonder if I had trouble saying it because I knew these relationships wouldn't last or maybe the fact that I couldn't express myself made these relationships not last....

In any case, back to you, Mom: I love you loads but I might never be able to say it to your face and it's all YOUR fault!
(You can blame it on grandma, that's fine too!). :)

Life and its plans

As I approach my 30th birthday, I have been reflecting or has been queried about my goals in life. For a woman, the big 3-0 is daunting, especially if you are single and seemingly not going anywhere in life. As far as I can remember, I have thought that my 'vocation' in life was to be a mom. I have the maternal instinct, I love kids and I have what it takes to raise kids well I believe. Surely then, that would be plan A in the grand scheme of my life. To find someone to make babies with and raise them to be outstanding human beings.
Since this plan is not quite going as it should, what then am I doing with my life?
Am I living plan B waiting for plan A to happen? What if plan A never happens? Would my life be a failure then?
I am currently on a road trip with one of my best friends and we have brought up a lot of these 'life and relationships' topics up. So what comes out of it is: if plan A would make me absolutely happy, should I then settle for the first available man who comes my way? That would definitely enable execution of plan A. Would it mean that I would be happier than my current plan B execution? Surely in some ways it would be. Are there any other options than these 2?
Once plan A is engaged though, there is no turning back. It is that leap of faith that has been holding me back. It would be fairly easy to find someone who also wants a family and have an agreement that because that's what we both want, we will make it work. And God knows how many couples have found success in this scheme.
If there was a book of life plans, then I wish I could query it to know when to switch back to plan A.
It seems however that it all comes down to how much I want plan A to happen and shall I then make a decision to make it happen to keep on the same path till time to depart this life. Unless of course a plan C presents itself.

Citizen C

I became a legal Canadian citizen a few days ago.
Unless one has gone through the process, very few would know what it entails. For most of us, we are citizens of the country we were born in, or grew up in. I have no clue how to become a Mauritian citizen, but going through the process of calling Canada 'my' country definitely made me think of what it means to be from that country.

Having been in Canada for the last 10 years less the 18 months plus holidays I took out of the country, I have, I think, assimilated enough Canadianism to fool people into thinking I am from here. With the odd intonation on some words and a hint of an accent, the ignorance of slang words and expressions, the obvious cluelessness when it comes to social or historical events that happened before my landing here, I blend in quite well with the hordes of immigrants who call this country home. Would I however think of myself as Canadian when asked?

I have taken pride in displaying my bilingualism and my Asian descent despite being born in an African country. It amazes people that coming from such a tiny island, I am faring well in gigantic Canada away from my parents and closest relatives. It surprises even more that I am not alone. There is a big Mauritian community in the Canadian ranks, those who settled decades earlier when Canada was just this distant country where it snows and that promises success and wealth, to those who, like me, came to study with the financial support of their parents and stayed because it offers more opportunities that we would otherwise have back home.
Here, I did it again. 'Home' is Mauritius in this case. When I go visit Mauritius though, home is Canada. I am lucky that I may hold dual citizenship, I am therefore not obliged to choose. Of course I would choose according to my mood and advantage, that cannot be helped. But have I not been able to keep my Mauritian citizenship, the decision to become Canadian wouldn't have been that easy. Being Mauritian is part of my identity. In my heart I know I will always be Mauritian. It does not however mean that I feel any less kinship with my fellow Canadians. Canada is forging some traits of my personality just as well as Mauritian society moulded my identity. Give it another decade or so and I'm sure when asked, I will truthfully claim to be Canadian. For now at least, I may say that I am grateful to have been welcomed into the Great North's family with open arms, as the picture attests, by others who have gone through the process themselves as well as those who feel proud that people all over the world want to call their country home. Viva Canada! :)

The thrill of a new connection

As humans, we make connections with each other daily.
Each conversation is used to strengthen an acquaintance into a friendship, build up ties with someone else, share experiences and learn more about each other. The accumulation of all interactions is what makes up a relationship between two people. My relationship with the people around me is subject to endless scrutiny and re-assessment by none other than myself. It would surprise me if it was not the same for others.

Although I do not have any difficulty striking up a conversation with someone I have met before and hence make connections quite easily after my initial awkwardness and shyness are gone, there's nothing like the thrill of suddenly finding myself deeply connected with someone else. Sometimes it is someone new, someone I was meant to connect with, someone who is my new BFF within a few weeks, if not days. Sometimes it is someone I have known for a long time, someone I have not spent much time with, but a series of events brings us together, within a short period of time and I discover the person anew. In either case, I can't help a feeling of elation when I make such a connection (or when the realization of it hits me!).

This is one of the things that carry me through life. The fact that I can make friends, and that these connections are priceless. Nothing like the feeling that someone else can finish your sentences, or understand your feelings without having to voice them out, or making jokes in sync with someone else. Ideally, that is what you would want in a mate. This would be everybody's quest in life: to find a mate with whom they connect so deeply and utterly that time spent together is never a burden even if life is not all smiles.

It is true that I'm almost thirty and still single. It is true that I'm picky. I own it.
I get such a thrill out of making new connections because it proves me right, it gives me hope. If I can feel warm and fuzzy about finding friendship when I wasn't expecting it, how much better would it be to make a connection with someone I'd be attracted to? And if that does not happen, then that is okay because nothing less would be acceptable on a daily basis. Somehow having witnessed these kind of connections personally  is what made me this 'picky'. Have I not experienced the dramatic impact a few days could make on a relationship or a few select moments, it would have been easier to settle for the next guy knocking on my door. In retrospective, nothing at the beginning of any of these fantastic friendships gave any indication of the endless source of laughter and shared joys awaiting - awesomeness pure and simple. So who knows, an acquaintance today could be my next BFF, or that stranger walking down the other side of the street could be a newly discovered soul mate within a few months. The possibilities are endless if the mind is open to anything, my heart open to new connections....<3

Some people believe in 'sparks' and use the lack of it as an excuse to not follow up on a first date. I admit that I have done that too. History (my own, not the world's) has proven me wrong a few times, I have changed my mind about some people as I spent more time with them...I have felt connected with some people more as the days go by, without the presence of a 'spark' at the first, second or even third meeting. Some people just 'grow' on you, so people dazzle you from the start....In either case, no connection can be forced, no matter how much effort is put into it by one or both of the parties. That is what makes it all the more sweeter when it happens...a gift to savour and be grateful for every single day!

The Afri-CAN in me!

I was recently back in Mauritius for a few days, but more importantly, I went to South Africa for the first time.

Like all other trips I took, I have done my homework before going there: researched places to visit, found out how to get around, what's the tipping rule, read reviews of the hotels, etc. Almost all the blogs/reviews online and all the tourist guides I have laid eyes on, warned tourists over and over about personal safety in SA. Personal accounts from friends and relatives were added to the mix to make us doubt the decision to visit such a country. So my parents and I landed there, with wary eyes and an overload of precautionary measures, tips from diverse sources on how not to be victims of any crime. Much to our surprise and relief, danger only loomed once and even that could have been just the fruit of a self-inflicted brain-washing due to constant exposure to negative aspects of the country that hosted the World Cup last year.  

The first few days were distinctly different from the rest of the stay. The destination was Sun City, major tourist attraction at the edge of the Pilanesberg National park, about 2 and half hours drive from Johannesburg. We are talking 2+ hrs drive into the bush! More than 2 hrs drive of scenic views of plains and mountains and greenery!

We knew even before we saw it, that the population demographic would be less diverse than in Mauritius. Caucasians in the bush are still a minority, Asians are even more seldom encountered except in little retail stores found at the periphery of a supermarket. Yes, we visited supermarkets there. My dad takes comfort in familiar things like KFC, Spar and Shoprite (both supermarket chains). Defying the warnings, we ventured out of the touristy paths and NOTHING happened to us! Not that we didn't tremble at every opportunity though!

Like I was saying to one of my ex-coworkers when I was telling him about this trip, I come from AFRICA. He was giving me tips on how to protect my belongings in public and I said to him "You watch, I will NOT be robbed, I grew up in Africa". It would have been easy to succomb to fear and stay inside the relatively safe walls of our hotels. But far from it, we roamed the streets at night, walked everywhere we wanted to go in Cape Town and drove on uncertain roads in the wilderness. Yes we can. More on the trip later.

I've been 'adjusted'!?!?

For the Adjustment Bureau, please press 1.

I've watched the movie The Adjustment Bureau on its opening day on Friday.
*SPOILER ALERT* Stop reading now if you haven't seen it and if you plan to see it at some point.

There are a few things that are at conflict in this movie. It seems to promote the belief that there is a God and He is called 'The Chairman'. He has a plan for everybody and to make sure His plan gets done, He has 'angels' with hats who look after EVERYBODY.

But the premise that God is omnipotent is undermined here. The movie is saying that God's plan could fail. I agree with that, because I want to think that we do have free will, so if God's plans fail, it is because we freely chose not to follow God's plan for us. That's all good, except for the angels sent to monitor us poor mortals. God's angels are powerless. They are tired and fall asleep on park benches, they can't carry a simple task on time and they use doors to get from one place to another. Even better, they have books to document where the doors are. Also, poor them, they cannot use the doors without their hats!

Imagine, angels with hats, not wings! They can't even fly! They look like humans!And they are seriously understaffed. I think I can wrap my head around the fact that God has helpers, to carry out His plan, but God to be understaffed? Also God is omnipresent, so He knows what is going on at all times, He is watching. Then why are there angels to monitor us ALL THE TIME?

And what about the ripples? In the movie, the angels wanted to stop Matt Damon's character at all costs. He was running away from them, and to try to stop him, they created a minor accident....
What about those people, where were THEIR angels?

I believe in God. I believe in his omnipotence. I sometimes question my faith, but I always go back to it even if I can't understand or prove anything. I understand the creative and artistic effort of the movie. But surely they could have given more credit to the angels?
It's always fun to analyze how people picture God, and how faith works in people.
The movie itself isn't bad, but it does build up on expectations and then has a flat finish. 
Enough said.

I have done a really bad job of updating this blog.
I guess my new year resolution (2 months later!) would be to write at least once a month!

I shall not stir the past and go over past events, so today's topic would be on something that has been in my mind lately.
Two weeks ago, I met a guy over lunch. I've met him online, he seemed nice, so I agreed to go for lunch. Nothing fancy, just the foodcourt close to our workplaces. He was polite, a little bit quiet, but he didn't show any sign of being a jerk. I had to keep the conversation flowing since he seems to have no inclination to do so. That is fine because people who know me, know that I can. Funny though that as soon as he mentioned he still lives at home, I lost interest.

He is 28, has a university degree, has a job at a bank, seems healthy, so there's obviously nothing to prevent him from leaving the nest...I have lived by myself for 3 years now. Nothing like it to make you grow into an adult, to take responsibility for EVERYTHING in your life. The laundry not done? Your fault. Nothing to eat in the fridge? Your own fault. No mom or dad to remind you to do the groceries, pay the bills, or to ask you to do anything for that matter. I'm not saying that people who live with their parents cannot do that, it's just not a proven fact that they can.

Now, if I was still in Mauritius, it would have been different. The culture there is such that people do not leave the family home until they get married. If I didn't come to Canada to study and then stay, I would probably still be living with my parents and there would have been nothing wrong with that. A lot of young people actually get married and stay with their parents. That's totally acceptable. Meeting a single guy in Mauritius who is well into adulthood and still living at home is not exactly out of the norm. There.

Here though, the culture is different, so the expectations are different. Teenagers leave the family home as early as sixteen. Not everybody does it, but it is common that when you get your first job (or second, or third, in fact, whenever you've decided you are financially secure) you can and will move out. Especially if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or childhood friends who would move in with you.

So the 'grown-up' me is in conflict with the woman who would have been in the same position as this guy in an alternate universe where I didn't leave home and come here. Some of my friends say I should not dismiss him just on that fact...some say I'm totally right. I see both sides of the argument, I don't think he's totally incapable of taking care of himself, but part of me thinks that the guy is somewhat not ready to grow up or he would have moved out. There's nothing wrong with that, some people take longer than others. However I am NOT ready to take someone by the hand at this point or wait for him to grow up. I'm 3 years ahead in that game. Sorry dude.

Next.

The one with the clubbing...

So I went clubbing last week, not something that happens often these days but I still quite enjoy it.
The club itself was in a back alley, not very comforting, but the people waiting to go in didn't seem threatening at all, so I paid the cover and went in.

The washrooms were posh, they were even giving away samples for hair products. How cool is that? Too bad that I only bring a small purse when I go clubbing and I can't stuff it with samples! Anyways, that's not the point today...

One thing that did mesmerized me though was that when we were on the dancefloor, an African-american woman, stopped a caucasian man in his mid twenties just a step away from me and I overheard her introducing herself. Fair enough. I looked away for maybe 3 seconds and when they came back into my line of vision, lo and behold they were kissing each other!! That marked me. What could they have said to each other, other than each other's names during that 3 second gap? Hi, my name is *bleep*, let me put my tongue down your throat now?

Now, I encountered an article in today's newspaper that talks about the "grinding" in clubs. This I find is quite interesting, but unfortunately, the link isn't up because it's the w/end newspaper I guess and you would have to buy it! But in essence, it talked about how, being difficult to talk in clubs, guys would just walk up to a girl on the dancefloor and grind behind her. Some of the women didn't find that degrading at all, they were flattered that the guy chose them and the next thing you know, they were kissing. This is what it has come down to. Guys do not approach girls, sweet-talk them and buy them drinks. They see, they choose, they grind and get kissed. If they are rejected, 10 seconds wasted.

I feel like the world is going through a degradation that is unstoppable. In last century, it would have been unimaginable for a man to touch a lady in public, let alone when they are total strangers. Next time I go clubbing, I should be afraid to even look at any guy straight to his face lest he thinks it's an invitation to come grind behind me.