Wednesday, September 07, 2011

These 3 words...

...they can change our lives forever. (Celine Dion?).

I caught a cute conversation between a mom and her daughter today. After a pause, the little girl just said 'I love you Mommy' and my heart melted. <3

This is quite common here, kids learn at a young age to express themselves in public and to communicate their feelings. In Mauritius, it is way less popular. We grow up assuming our parents love us without the need to ever hear it nor the need to express it in person. To this day, I don't recall ever saying something as uncensored and simple, as this little girl's four-word sentence, to my mom. And anybody who knows me knows that my mom is the person I love the most in this world. I have written it in cards and have certainly shown her by being the doting daughter. But all 3 languages I could have used to say it failed me every time my heart was so full I wanted to say it.

That should not be hard in theory. I have said those three words before, to guys I barely talk to these days. Yet I can't say it to the one person who carried me inside of her for 9 months.'s not just her. I don't think I ever said it to my brother nor to my dad..... Wait a sec, I don't think I've ever said it to anybody in my extended family except my cousin who kinda forced it out of me by repeatedly saying she loves me! So then, it would be easier said to someone if you have the practice of hearing it over and over again!

That would make sense. It is way easier to say 'I love you too' to someone once they have said it. It even makes it easier for one to initiate the exchange the next time too. It's the fact that we know the other person has said it and therefore will not reject our vocal display of affection. Not that my mom would reject mine, but she might be confused to hear it for the first time after 30 years. She might even be lost for words! The fault is all hers then. Had she raised me by repeatedly professing her maternal love for me, it would be easier for me to say it today. Maybe some of the exes would have been grateful for that too. It must have been hard for them to extract those words from me as I am definitely an 'actions speak louder than words' person. But then I'm obviously not with any of these guys today. I wonder if I had trouble saying it because I knew these relationships wouldn't last or maybe the fact that I couldn't express myself made these relationships not last....

In any case, back to you, Mom: I love you loads but I might never be able to say it to your face and it's all YOUR fault!
(You can blame it on grandma, that's fine too!). :)

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Life and its plans

As I approach my 30th birthday, I have been reflecting or has been queried about my goals in life. For a woman, the big 3-0 is daunting, especially if you are single and seemingly not going anywhere in life. As far as I can remember, I have thought that my 'vocation' in life was to be a mom. I have the maternal instinct, I love kids and I have what it takes to raise kids well I believe. Surely then, that would be plan A in the grand scheme of my life. To find someone to make babies with and raise them to be outstanding human beings.
Since this plan is not quite going as it should, what then am I doing with my life?
Am I living plan B waiting for plan A to happen? What if plan A never happens? Would my life be a failure then?
I am currently on a road trip with one of my best friends and we have brought up a lot of these 'life and relationships' topics up. So what comes out of it is: if plan A would make me absolutely happy, should I then settle for the first available man who comes my way? That would definitely enable execution of plan A. Would it mean that I would be happier than my current plan B execution? Surely in some ways it would be. Are there any other options than these 2?
Once plan A is engaged though, there is no turning back. It is that leap of faith that has been holding me back. It would be fairly easy to find someone who also wants a family and have an agreement that because that's what we both want, we will make it work. And God knows how many couples have found success in this scheme.
If there was a book of life plans, then I wish I could query it to know when to switch back to plan A.
It seems however that it all comes down to how much I want plan A to happen and shall I then make a decision to make it happen to keep on the same path till time to depart this life. Unless of course a plan C presents itself.