To be or not to be...

Hello, world.

I have not been myself these last few days. I would think it is PMS, but I have been more depressed than I have ever been for a while. It feels like I am at a crossroads in my life.

I have been questioning the purpose of my life and the purpose of life in general. I hit such a low point that I even thought to myself, this journey is not enjoyable at all and we are all heading in the same direction and that's  the final destination. Depressing, I know!! Did I have suicidal thoughts? Not the least. Why? Probably my Catholic upbringing. Which brings me to a series of conversations I have had with my coworkers this week.

I asked my coworker what he thought was the purpose of life and he told me that life is meant to be lived with all your heart and the purpose of one's life is to love as much as you can, the people around you. He is not a particularly religious person, he believes that people can be good even if they do not follow some religion and that consequently, if one lives one's life without hurting another being, and do not sweat the small stuff, then one's purpose in life has been fulfilled. I asked him, what does he think MY purpose in life is and he said, candidly, 'to make the people around you happy'.

It may be true, I try as much as I can to make the people around me happy. However I do not feel that it is enough. I can make a handful of people happy on a daily basis, but is it all I've been designed to do in my life? How about what would make me happy? How about what would get me out of this misery I've been feeling lately? I have often thought about becoming a nun, partly because I feel like renouncing all my worldly possessions and committing to a life of giving would somehow fulfill me. People always laugh it off though, partly because I am not an angel by any definition of the word and a life of celibacy is unimaginable to most people. 

This brought on a full on discussion on religion and what the Bible says with some other coworkers. The Christians are always the most passionate. I am a very laid back Catholic, I might have a shaky faith, but I am definitely a theist. I have not believed everything written in the Bible since I read 'The DaVinci Code'. Not that I have verified any of the facts in the book, it just got me thinking and I have come out of it, with some reserve on the source of the Holy Book and on religion, but it has in no way convinced me of the inexistence of a deity.

My coworker then asked a Christian coworker what he thinks of polygamy then?
Most of the Bible condones it. Should he be polygamous now, does that condemn him to hell? Is what the Bible says dictate the basis of whether he has lived a good life or not? Whether he is a good person or not? Or do the rules of modern society determine his 'goodness' as a person. 

I guess it comes down to what you think the definition of marriage is. Could you love more than 1 person at the same time and treat them all equally? Could you manage more than 1 set of expectations? Another coworker said that a marriage contract should have an expiry date, so when the expiry date is approaching, you can renew the contract, or decide to go your separate ways. But such a definition of marriage should also come with a bunch of rules and laws about what to do for the kids of these expired marriage contracts.That would make divorce the norm, and assure the success of marriage contracts for their duration! What kind of impact would that have on our society as we know it? Would there be more separated parents? Would the possibility of a marriage contract not being renewed at the next decision point make people more attentive to their partners? More likely to keep the romance alive?

In any case, a large percentage of our society follow some kind of religion. A lot of non-religious people actually prefer religious teachings even if they don't believe in God. They find merit in having had a religious education. A nun with a shaky belief in the Bible would probably not do for the church, but I believe I could fit into the mold for anything else that a nun stands for. Sister Carine. That has a nice ring to it.