The paradox of a solitary social butterfly

Most people would agree that I am not a recluse.
Most would even agree that I am a social butterfly. That is, if they only see me when I'm "on".
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there is an "off" button on my social butterfly!
It is not hard to believe when you consider my age and my status. I am single mostly because I would not settle on any company and although I get along pretty well with most people, I have found that extended time spent with people I like can also prove to be tedious.

I have had a few examples over the last few months and to be considerate to those people, whom I love and with whom I enjoy spending time with, I would not give too many details here. But in summary, the reason I can prove to be such a good social butterfly is because I spend time being alone.

I love being alone and doing my own stuff and having no other schedule to follow but my own. I love spending time with others too but on my own terms. I have found that having people in my personal space is the hardest. Not that I don't like to host, I just expect them not to overstay their welcome. Particularly after a long day, I would cringe not to say 'I think I'm done with your company now you can leave' respectfully. The second hardest is to be in someone else's space. You feel like an alien among things that are familiar to your host(s). You try to put things back where you found them and try not to disturb their routine as much as you can.

The easiest to be around other people is on vacation, then it is neutral ground where everybody is discovering the same environment at the same time. BUT it all depends on who your travel companions are. Trips with friends could turn out deadly for your friendship! Trips with my parents always have a story of my dad and I getting into a big argument over some petty thing or other. Almost always, the haven of my 1 bedroom condo is welcome after. Or even just a couple of hours by myself.

Mostly I have found that being alone for some time always makes me a better person in society. Being lonesome enables me to be the sunshine that some people know me for. So excuse me if I need some 'me' time now, but I'll be a delight when I come back! :)

The problem is....in the bra!

I've got a life lesson in measurements today.
I needed to have a dress altered and my friend recommended this tailor in Chinatown. So off I go with my dress. As soon as I have it on, he scrutinizes me, front, back, front, side.
What is wrong with the dress? he asks. Well this, and this and this. 'Come over here for a minute', he says.

What follows is a drawing of the body shape of a woman, scribbles of what my measurements are and then he asks me how old I am?
All this, to tell me that a woman my age (he guessed I'm in between 26 and 28 yrs old, btw!) should not let the length between my breasts be more than 8 inches, it should in fact be 7 inches, and that the length from my shoulder to my breast should not be more than 10 inches. Huh?

The numbers are not important, they are just that. What he meant was that I needed to get my boobs higher and pushed up so they compliment my figure. After some pushing and probing, I see his point. 

So basically, I've been wearing my bra wrong. The size is right, it's just the straps all had to be adjusted. I have now gone through all of my bras and fixed them. According to the tailor, just the bra would make me look 50% better! Now with his adjustment, this dress must surely look AMAZING on me! I can barely wait for the fitting for my next life lesson...

Bring it on, summer!

I cannot wait for the summer!
Sun, sand and fun, that is all I shall aspire for!
The line-up for this summer is already taking shape for weekdays:

- Softball in the RBC league,
- Beach volleyball at Ashbridges bay,
- regular ballet class at DanceTeq,
- runs by the lake, at least once a week, ideally 3 times a week.

That leaves one night of the week to relax and go out.
But anybody who knows me would know that I will not just stick to that schedule! My life is a race! I have had the bad habit of never saying 'No, I need to rest', so I schedule outings, meetings, playdates, volunteer shifts and whatnots, all one after the other with barely enough time for me to get from one point to another.

My dad used to tell me that I cannot do EVERYTHING, that I have to choose what to do and what not. But I have never understood it. Time lost is never found. Opportunities only come once. If they come again, it is hardly with the same crowd, or the same conditions. The fear of missing out on anything has always been what plagues me when deciding what activity to choose. If only I could skip the 6-7 hrs of sleep my body actually needs, there would be so much more time to do the things I want!

The first of the next....

I became an aunt today.

Although I am miles and miles away from my brother and my sis-in-law, I could not wait for this little one to come along. 

It is a weird feeling to try to explain. How do you already love someone you have not met? How do explain the invisible link that blood establishes. I have spent the whole day showing the few pictures that my brother has sent me as soon as she was born, to whoever wanted to see. And I have re-played the video he has sent over and over again, knowing by heart when she will start crying in the video. Fortunately, my brother has sent me a second video!  

Keira's birth was by c-section, so we knew ahead of time when it will be. That took away the element of surprise, but it did not take away the anticipation. I could barely go to sleep last night and when I did, I passed out so that I did not even hear the message letting me know that both mother and daughter were well. I woke up all panicked, having missed her entrance into the world, albeit halfway across the planet! 

The realization just hit me that I was the last CLW to be born. My father has 5 siblings, all female so none of their offsprings bore the CLW name. I am the youngest of 2. When they put down Keira's last name on her birth certificate that would be the first time in 30 years. My brother was the first of our generation (with only 2 members in that generation, there's only a first and a last!) and Keira is the first of the next. The circle is complete I would say, but hopefully Keira's generation of CLW will be stronger than the mere two of us! 

I wish I was there in Singapore to be with them. But I am saving my vacation for when they visit my grandmother, Keira's great-grandmother, hopefully in December.

For now, I have to wait for the next pictures and videos of her through the interweb!

Oh Canadian music!

I have heard a very nice song from Amy Seeley about two and a half months ago and it got stuck in my head. It is not the kind of music I would typically listen to, but that one touched me...well, surprisingly so!

I have listened to it a few times after that and it touched me deeply every single time. Then, I forgot about it....
But I was watching TV the other day and an Ikea commercial came on and I was convinced it was Amy Seeley...but it was not.
The song in the commercial was from Mary Milne, also a Canadian artist.



I guess it is not the same voice, but it is the same feeling. And in my musical ignorance and having not listened to Amy lately, I was convinced, incorrectly so, that both songs are from the same artist. Kudos to me for actually googling it! From now on, I shall broaden my musical horizons and listen to more Canadian artists! (I could not figure out if Amy Seeley is actually Canadian, but she does live in Alberta!)....now, where do I start?

Runners' Circle

That's it. I'm one of them now.

I do not think of myself as a runner. I started running in the summer of 2010 because, on a whim, I had signed up for a 5k run and I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of hundreds by walking along the route. So that's how I started to go to the Nike Runners Lounge where they provided running gear to trial and run leaders to accompany you on designated routes.

So for the last year and a half (almost), I have regularly been to the lounge, but that does not mean I am a runner. But I have definitely made some progress. Whereas the first time I ran, I had to stop pretty much every 2-3 minutes to walk, I can now run at least 70 mins without stopping. And since the lounge has been dismantled into regional groups, I have taken the initiative to run by lakeshore on my own to train for the upcoming runs that I have signed up for.

Today, the weather was bad, light drizzle all day. So when I went for my run, there was not a lot of people on the path. The few runners who crossed my path though, all smiled or waved or nodded at me.  This is the runners' unspoken code. The bond of people who run despite the foul weather. The silent acknowledgement and encouragement from someone who knows your pain.

It makes me smile that they are acknowledging such a poser as me though. I feel like I should keep up the runs just so that I deserve that acknowledgement!!

In the presence of love and passion

I attended a performance of The Sleeping Beauty by Canada's National Ballet the other day. 
By chance, it was Heather Ogden and Guillaume Côté performing for the matinée session.
I have a special interest in these 2 dancers. This interest was triggered when I read in Ballet News that they got married, in 2010. Both young and good-looking, both principal dancers in the company, and both in love and married to each other. What could be more romantic?

I like to watch couples in love. The dynamics of a couple always fascinate me. I have read somewhere that the strength of any relationship is only as strong as the one with the weaker feelings.

I have read an article in The National Post about the 2 lovebirds and how it happened. I tried, through that article to determine who loves whom more. Of course, I didn't find an answer. Watching the performance, that was foremost on my mind. But like I have discussed before, nobody knows and sometimes we do not even know the depth of our own feelings.

The chemistry on stage was undeniable. Both dancers were professional throughout, graceful as ever.  When it ended, Guillaume was gentlemanly and affectionate. *I* was in love. Heather seemed a bit 'cooler' than Guillaume, no over-the-top public display of affection. I can understand that. Nobody else knows how a couple interacts with each other when they are alone, except the 2 subjects involved, but from what I have seen so far, the fascination is here to stay. It is fueled by the passion Guillaume and Heather both have for ballet which is one of my interests. Dancing at a professional level undoubtedly requires hard work and dedication, courage and determination. All of which I would think is a good base for any relationship.

Would have the performance been different if the principal roles were played by two other dancers? Probably! I came out of it, thinking how magical it was. I have never enjoyed a performance as much as that one. Note to self: to create magic, mix love, passion and beauty!

Below is a video of Heather talking about rehearsals for The Sleeping Beauty.

A manual to ... love!

This is what I stumbled on the other day while searching for the lyrics to a song...

A wiki page on how to love: http://www.wikihow.com/Love 

In summary, the 7 steps are:
1. Know that your love for the other person is real.
2. Say it.
3. Empathize.
4. Love unconditionally.
5. Expect nothing in return.
6. Realize it can be lost.
7. Never stop loving.

Let's see if I know how to love.
Hmm...Most people KNOW when #1 is true.
Some people, however, can convince themselves that they love, or that they don't love someone. I have been guilty of doing both. I have found that the control I have over my own mind is quite strong. But when I know, I know. I might convince myself that the love is not real for other reasons, but deep down I know.

#2 is harder. I have written about it before in this blog (These 3 words entry). I have found myself in situations where I was suppressing the urge to say it too. Mostly because it kinda goes against how I was raised, or maybe by saying it, it makes me more vulnerable. Ok, so #2 needs work.

I know how to empathize. I actually do it so often that I sometimes look back and think how stupid I am. The other party would never empathize with me the same way I did and I don't even need to 'love' them to be able to empathize with them. #3 checked.

#4 and #5 go hand in hand I think. If you love unconditionally, you do not expect anything in return.  Sometimes I see how some couples work on the principle that one will love the other only if the other fits into the description of the perfect partner. Modify the behaviour a bit, or one of them being slightly moody for a few days, and you can feel the love tangibly diminishing. The 'expect nothing in return' is actually quite hard to do. Even in our most basic relationships, you expect something in return. You give affection and you expect affection in return. Sure, you can take rejection every now and then, but repeatedly giving without getting anything back in return could destroy someone to the core. Even if you don't expect love in return, you expect your love to be respected if not reciprocated.
I truly believe I can love unconditionally. I am not so sure if I can love without expecting anything in return. Maybe I should suggest a correction to the wiki, that if #4 stays, then #5 should be 'Try not to expect anything in return, have low expectations and you shall be surprised when you get something in return. That in turn will make you love the person more'. Ironic, isn't it? If you love more, and expect less, you will be loved more.

The realization that love can be lost dawns on everybody every now and then, I believe. Only people who are over-confident, conceited and/or arrogant would claim not to ever fear the loss of love. Like I have mentioned in a few of my posts, you never know the extent to which others love you. That is and will remain a mystery. Unless someone invents a machine one day that allows you to read someone else's feelings and actually convert it to your own frequency, there is no way for someone to understand the depth of someone else's feelings. That is why I live in the fear of losing someone's love. As a kid, I listened to my parents because I feared the only people in the world hard-wired to love me will stop loving me. Hell, I still hide some things from my parents in the fear of disappointing and eventually losing their love! #6, definitely checked.

#7: Never stop loving.
Hmm...Whatever happened to 'never say never'? (Known expression, from way before Bieber was born!).
This is probably the one which challenges me the most. Every time I get hurt in friendship or love, I will myself not to care anymore, harden my little heart up, and trudge forward until some kind of balance is regained. Then something infallibly happens. My memory fails me and I open up again and before I know it, I'm friends with the person again. Logically, this is a vicious circle that I can only stop by stopping to love. Emotionally and instinctively though, that goes against my nature. Even though I can control my mind, I cannot control my heart. Damn you, little heart.
#7 checked, unfortunately.


Score: 5 out of 7.
I think I'm doing okay. Maybe I'll modify #2 and #5 so I can check all of them!