Christmas is in the air!

Yes, my Christmas tree is up!

This is my first Canadian tree. The last 5 years, I always intended to buy a tree but never quite got to it, either because I was out of the country or just didn't get to the stores fast enough to get a good one on a good deal.

This year's tree purchase was a spur of the moment thing as well. I just happened to have a car for that day and brought my cousin to Wal-mart for a shopping spree. She wanted a Christmas tree and this one was such a steal. I had to buy one as well, along with the lights, a tree skirt and some decorations. I already had quite a few decorations which I have bought previous years in anticipation of when I will own a tree. All this turned out well, my tree looks decorated enough, does it not? Maybe the only thing missing is a bright star at the top.

In my high school years, when school was out in November and we would spend summer just doing nothing at home all day, setting up the tree would be first order of business as soon as we hit December. Have I had the choice, I probably would have waited till December so as not to seem to eager for Christmas to come. Unfortunately, obligations trumped tradition this year. I am going to be quite busy the next few week-ends ahead, so last week-end was my only chance lest I ended up not putting the tree even though I bought one this year!

Thanks to my BFF Joan, my place has an air of Christmas already!
Now to find presents to put under the tree!

The day I ran 21k...

So I did it! Yay me!
It was a painful 2:12:52 seconds, but I kept running throughout.
Gary and I decided that we will maintain a 6 min/km run. I fought against it a bit, I wanted to do it under 2:10mins, but Gary was adamant. Probably rightfully so. He had enough energy to speed up for the last kilometer, so his chip time was actually more than a full minute ahead of me. 

I've run up to 18k on my training, so in my head, I knew I could do it, I just needed to run for 18 more mins past my longest run so far. I got tired around the 15k mark. Running with Gary always gets me more tired because we chat and laugh and I'm not focused. So I stopped talking to him after that, it was a lot of grunting and pushing elbows to let him know that I needed him to move to the right or the left or that we needed to pass someone too slow.

Gary and I at the 3k mark

So the last 6k were a drag.
At 19k, I started to feel hungry. That has never happened to me before, but then, I've never actually run long distances first thing in the morning. 
At 20k, a friend was waiting for us by the side of the road and after that, Gary took off. I was on my own for that last kilometer up Bay Street to Nathan Philips Square. Throughout the course, there were people encouraging us, but that final 'ligne droite', there were even more people, with cowbells, flags, posters.
My worse nightmare almost happened right there. Running up on Bay street was the toughest 6 mins of my running life and my biggest fear was that I would succumb to all the muscles in my body screaming for me to stop. In front of all these people. That would have been the ultimate embarrassment for me.

I had to put my 'mind over body' right there. Unfocus on the hordes of people screaming by the side of the road, focus on my legs, bringing me closer to the finish line where I can finally stop.
500m to go. Push a little bit more, another 3 mins at most.
400m, yes, stop screaming at me, I'm getting there, geez!
200m, I know I can do this, I can imagine what 200m looks like on my regular training runs, I can see my building in my mind, imagining it where the finish line is.
100m, there, I can see the finish line!
50m to go, oh, I think I can push for a sprint! Here I go! Oh crap, what is this dude doing in front of me, I won't get a good finish line picture! Slooooowww....he passed the line, wait a second, now I pass the line, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY I MAY STOP!

Now, where's the food? :P
Only when I met with my friends did I realize that I had a pretty big blister on my left heel. That was gross. A 'war scar' a friend called it. Bah, it will heal, the end result is that I did it! One thing off my bucket list!

T'was the night before the half...

If someone told me two years ago that I would be running a half marathon, I would have laughed to their faces. But here I am, two years after I first started to run, getting ready for 21 km of non-stop running. Hopefully.

The decision was made after the SL10K in May, to register and train for the Toronto waterfront marathon on October 14. That's tomorrow. I did not just wake up one day and decided that I will run a half marathon. The idea first came up when I received an email to sign up to win a chance to run the Nike Women's marathon in San Francisco. The idea to visit SF and run a half marathon was thrilling. I signed up into the lottery - only 25,000 participants are allowed. I did not win an entry, but the idea was planted, I envisioned doing it. When Gary suggested we sign up for it, he did not need much to convince me. I had already run 2 races by then, the Harry Spring Run-off in High Park and the downhill Sporting Life 10K along Yonge Street. So we were registered.

My worst nightmare (I actually had a nightmare about this!) is to be able to run 20k and then cannot finish the last kilometer and I have to walk to the finish line. Imagine the crowd cheering me on and me being unable to give anything more and walking it up Bay street...The ultimate walk of shame....

The training is there. The mental preparation is there. I have been thinking of race day all of this week. In theory, everything should go smoothly. I have heard all the advice from experienced runners, 'Pace yourself', 'Don't burn yourself out in the first few kilometers', 'hydrate', 'eat carbs before the race', etc. I did make pasta on Thursday after our last short run. I have rested since Thursday, no runs at all. Everything is set and ready to go. Except the weather threatens to deliver rain!

Let's just hope tomorrow proves once again that the weather forecast is almost always wrong!
Check back after the race tomorrow!

Baking therapy

 I like to bake.
There is something in following a recipe that makes me happy, that makes me find my inner peace. Do not ask me to cook, this only applies to baking. No 'season to taste', 'a pinch of ' or 'add more if..' in baking recipes. It is down to a science. A science that says if you follow the steps, you will end up with a perfectly good end product, no need for prior experience (although preferred!). If nothing else is going the way it should, the certainty of following a recipe and getting exactly what the picture shows could be therapy in itself.

Harvest fruit pie

A lot of people ask me where I learned how to bake. Well, it helps that my mom baked for fun too. I grew up in a kitchen smelling of vanilla and flour. I've seen my share of baking casualties, I have had a few myself. But mostly, watching my mom bake over the years, I necessarily picked up a few tricks and tips. Some things which makes sense to me but not necessarily obvious to others. I realize how much I know about baking when I bake with my cousin. In any other way, she has shown me how to live, how to save, how to make the best of everything, from folding a fitted sheet, to the best way to store tupperwares. But baking is my domain.

Chocolate cheesecake, chocolate mousse and sprinkle cupcakes

The one thing that my mom and I do differently is that she would stick to a good recipe when she finds one. I'm more of an experimental baker. I would repeat a recipe but only if I've got rave reviews about it and if I need to bake something that is a 100% reliable. Reliability in this case is based on whether I have done something successfully on the first try or not.

Buttermilk scones

Red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing

Triple chocolate mousse cake

Raspberry Coffee log

 Sometimes I pick a recipe for the challenge, but mostly I pick recipes based on whether I would like to eat it or not. Although most times, I end up not eating what I bake. My coworkers though, have tried most of the things I've baked over the years. I have been using recipes from Decadent Desserts, the Magnolia Bakery book, Kraft Canada magazines and from random internet recipe websites.

Chocolate orange mousse cake

Double chocolate chip cookies

White Chocolate orange cake

The art of hosting a dinner party

Two weeks ago, I hosted my first dinner party for more than 4 people.
It is not that I have never had more than 4 people over, but up to two weeks ago, it had always been a potluck if there were more than 5 at the table.

This was planned in a few days because a couple of my friends were going back home for good and she only let me know on the Monday that she would be free on Wednesday. So there I was on the Monday planning the menu and grocery list. The dessert was made on the Monday night, groceries were done on Tuesday night and everything was cut and ready to go for when I came home on Wednesday after work.

Everything went smoothly, all the steps were planned, I needed to do an additional batch of sauce for the scalloped potatoes, but other than that, I was not far off in my planning. By the time the last guests arrived, the food was ready.

Au menu: pineapple glazed ham, scalloped potatoes, quiche and cobb salad followed by creme caramel.

Yes, everything went into the oven. I'm not a good cook. I hardly ever taste the food I'm making. But cooking the food is not the only thing on your mind when hosting a dinner party. The house has to be cleaned, all the guests need to know how to get to your place, and you have to go get them when they arrive if you live in a high rise building like I do.  All these little details which by themselves are not a big deal, but when put together, make hosting a dinner party a stressful endeavor, prone to disaster in so many ways. I felt quite grown up when it all went well.

Funnily enough, I had to throw another such dinner party yesterday. Not under the best circumstances, but at least this time, it was mostly family, so if I botched it, it would have been okay.
The menu this time was simpler, chicken pasta primavera and creme brulée. I made some sweet potato fritters as appetizers and my younger cousin made some stuffed mushrooms. The problem was that this time I had to cater to 10 people's dinner needs! Try to cook pasta for 10 people in a medium pot!

Growing up, my mom always hosted family dinner parties at home. My dad's sisters (he has four sisters back home) will all come with their families every other month or so. How the hell did my mom do it? The food was hardly ever burnt and there was always a lot of leftovers. The secret I believe is to be good at estimating how long cutting and chopping will take, and how long each dish needs to be cooked...and then it is to keep calm even when people start showing up! It is okay if you are still cooking when your guests show up, this is not 'Come dine with me' you do not get judged on your entertaining skills as well! These are just your family or friends, they will still be around if you are a bad cook, or if something does not go as planned. They might just never accept another invite from you again  :P

Glossophobia

Glossophobia or speech anxiety is the fear of public speaking or speaking in general.^[1] The word glossophobia comes from the Greek γλῶσσα glōssa, meaning tongue, and φόβος phobos, fear or dread. Many people only have this fear, while others may also have social phobia or social anxiety disorder.

The [physical] symptoms include acute hearing, increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, dilated pupils, increased perspiration, increased oxygen intake, stiffening of neck/upper back muscles, and dry mouth.

The verbal symptoms include, but are not limited to a tense voice, a quivering voice, and vocalized pauses—which tend to comfort anxious speakers. 

By this definition, I am glossophic to some degree. You can read the full definition on wikipedia.

I am certainly prone to stomachache or maybe they are butterflies in my stomach, experience increased blood pressure and increased perspiration and get overly jittery before I have to make a presentation in front of a crowd. THREE is a crowd.

Quite frankly, I do not know what triggers this anxiety. Yes, I am an 'ESL' but there are others out there whose english is worst than me. I don't see them almost keeling over from...glossophobia. I believe it might be the fear of appearing as a complete idiot to my audience, but then again, I become the goofiest person around in a non formal (read, non public speaking or attention focusing) setting. 

Many people report stress-induced speech disorders which are only present during public speech. Some glossophobics have been able to dance, perform in public, or even to speak (such as in a play) or sing if they cannot see the audience, or if they feel that they are presenting a character or stage persona rather than themselves. Being able to blend in a group (as in a choir or band) can also alleviate some anxiety caused by glossophobia.
Estimated 75% of all people experience some degree of anxiety/nervousness when public speaking.

That too is true. I have grown up performing on a weekly basis in front of an audience of strangers, and yes I get stage fright, but not even close to what I feel before I have to make a speech/presentation. People do not believe that it affects me that way, I am after all a seemingly normal person, with hyperactivity tendencies (according to my friends) and an outgoing demeanor. Just do not ask me to speak in a setting where people are all looking at me. And trust me, I have tried to picture all of them naked and it was not pretty in my head!

I accompanied a friend to his Toastmasters meeting last week, with the understanding that I would not have to speak. They asked the guests to introduce themselves at the beginning, which was expected and I kept it short, my name, who brought me here, and I just wanted to check it out, and then they went on with their normal agenda. At the end of the meeting though, they asked for guests' feedback, which came quite surprisingly to me. First, panic. Second, listen to what the other 2 guests are saying. Third, panic, it's my turn. What went through my mind then was the fact that the other 2 guests are well-spoken and articulate and I tried not to look like a complete idiot for my friend's sake. My first instinct was to refuse to talk, but he was looking at me directly with an arched eyebrow and I couldn't let him down! I am not sure if speaking was the right choice. I might have let him down by uttering whatever came through my mind, which was 'This was interesting...I did not think it would be so formal...I shall think about joining this meeting'.

Damn, I should be going to Toastmasters. But do I really want to put myself through that kind of torture every week? There's no doubt that it will benefit me, it is just up to me, to consciously decide to join a Toastmasters club and clench my teeth through all the 10 necessary speeches on the way to master the skill of public speaking. Come on now, where is my bravery when I need it?

Emotionally intelligent!

TD offers this course named Emotional Intelligence for Leadership Excellence and I had to take it last Tuesday.

The course was based on office interactions and it forced some self analysis.

Yes, we all know that we let our emotions take over and that we do not always think before we speak.
Yes, we all know that the best thing to do in those situations is to take a breather and walk away. 

But the things I take away from the course are the following:

1. Behaviour is driven by emotional needs which may be categorized into 5 groups: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness. SCARF. In essence, people react badly when their status is threatened, or their sense of certainty is shaken, etc. Understanding someone's emotional driving need is essential in understanding why a person is behaving the way he/she does. And understanding your own driving need in these situations allow you to take a step back and accept that the intention might not have been to threaten you, although the impact might not reflect that intention.

2. There are early warning signs to 'emotional hijacking' and you could potentially stop yourself from being overwhelmed by your emotions and letting the situation slip away from control. The key is to recognize the default behaviour you have when the other person triggers negative reactions from you and to consciously take a mental break and reset before resuming the interaction.

3. There is a rule of 6 (or any other number you like) which could help you calm yourself down. It is to ask yourself if whatever is bothering you would matter in 6 secs? (chances are, it still would!) in 6 minutes? (Maybe not by then, although if it's big I might still be upset) in 6 hours? (Probably not if I have had a meal and ice-cream or something in these 6 hours) in 6 days? (Who can even remember what they did 6 days ago?!?!!?)....the rest really only proves the fact that most things are petty and we can easily get over it, although our emotions might not agree at that particular moment in time.

4. While self analyzing to find out the reason why I get so pissed off by some people at work, these are the things that irritate me the most:
- when people do not let others finish their sentences;
- when people do not hear my ideas;
- when people waste my time.
So coworkers take note! Don't do the above and we'll work just F.I.N.E together.

The paradox of a solitary social butterfly

Most people would agree that I am not a recluse.
Most would even agree that I am a social butterfly. That is, if they only see me when I'm "on".
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there is an "off" button on my social butterfly!
It is not hard to believe when you consider my age and my status. I am single mostly because I would not settle on any company and although I get along pretty well with most people, I have found that extended time spent with people I like can also prove to be tedious.

I have had a few examples over the last few months and to be considerate to those people, whom I love and with whom I enjoy spending time with, I would not give too many details here. But in summary, the reason I can prove to be such a good social butterfly is because I spend time being alone.

I love being alone and doing my own stuff and having no other schedule to follow but my own. I love spending time with others too but on my own terms. I have found that having people in my personal space is the hardest. Not that I don't like to host, I just expect them not to overstay their welcome. Particularly after a long day, I would cringe not to say 'I think I'm done with your company now you can leave' respectfully. The second hardest is to be in someone else's space. You feel like an alien among things that are familiar to your host(s). You try to put things back where you found them and try not to disturb their routine as much as you can.

The easiest to be around other people is on vacation, then it is neutral ground where everybody is discovering the same environment at the same time. BUT it all depends on who your travel companions are. Trips with friends could turn out deadly for your friendship! Trips with my parents always have a story of my dad and I getting into a big argument over some petty thing or other. Almost always, the haven of my 1 bedroom condo is welcome after. Or even just a couple of hours by myself.

Mostly I have found that being alone for some time always makes me a better person in society. Being lonesome enables me to be the sunshine that some people know me for. So excuse me if I need some 'me' time now, but I'll be a delight when I come back! :)

The problem is....in the bra!

I've got a life lesson in measurements today.
I needed to have a dress altered and my friend recommended this tailor in Chinatown. So off I go with my dress. As soon as I have it on, he scrutinizes me, front, back, front, side.
What is wrong with the dress? he asks. Well this, and this and this. 'Come over here for a minute', he says.

What follows is a drawing of the body shape of a woman, scribbles of what my measurements are and then he asks me how old I am?
All this, to tell me that a woman my age (he guessed I'm in between 26 and 28 yrs old, btw!) should not let the length between my breasts be more than 8 inches, it should in fact be 7 inches, and that the length from my shoulder to my breast should not be more than 10 inches. Huh?

The numbers are not important, they are just that. What he meant was that I needed to get my boobs higher and pushed up so they compliment my figure. After some pushing and probing, I see his point. 

So basically, I've been wearing my bra wrong. The size is right, it's just the straps all had to be adjusted. I have now gone through all of my bras and fixed them. According to the tailor, just the bra would make me look 50% better! Now with his adjustment, this dress must surely look AMAZING on me! I can barely wait for the fitting for my next life lesson...

Bring it on, summer!

I cannot wait for the summer!
Sun, sand and fun, that is all I shall aspire for!
The line-up for this summer is already taking shape for weekdays:

- Softball in the RBC league,
- Beach volleyball at Ashbridges bay,
- regular ballet class at DanceTeq,
- runs by the lake, at least once a week, ideally 3 times a week.

That leaves one night of the week to relax and go out.
But anybody who knows me would know that I will not just stick to that schedule! My life is a race! I have had the bad habit of never saying 'No, I need to rest', so I schedule outings, meetings, playdates, volunteer shifts and whatnots, all one after the other with barely enough time for me to get from one point to another.

My dad used to tell me that I cannot do EVERYTHING, that I have to choose what to do and what not. But I have never understood it. Time lost is never found. Opportunities only come once. If they come again, it is hardly with the same crowd, or the same conditions. The fear of missing out on anything has always been what plagues me when deciding what activity to choose. If only I could skip the 6-7 hrs of sleep my body actually needs, there would be so much more time to do the things I want!

The first of the next....

I became an aunt today.

Although I am miles and miles away from my brother and my sis-in-law, I could not wait for this little one to come along. 

It is a weird feeling to try to explain. How do you already love someone you have not met? How do explain the invisible link that blood establishes. I have spent the whole day showing the few pictures that my brother has sent me as soon as she was born, to whoever wanted to see. And I have re-played the video he has sent over and over again, knowing by heart when she will start crying in the video. Fortunately, my brother has sent me a second video!  

Keira's birth was by c-section, so we knew ahead of time when it will be. That took away the element of surprise, but it did not take away the anticipation. I could barely go to sleep last night and when I did, I passed out so that I did not even hear the message letting me know that both mother and daughter were well. I woke up all panicked, having missed her entrance into the world, albeit halfway across the planet! 

The realization just hit me that I was the last CLW to be born. My father has 5 siblings, all female so none of their offsprings bore the CLW name. I am the youngest of 2. When they put down Keira's last name on her birth certificate that would be the first time in 30 years. My brother was the first of our generation (with only 2 members in that generation, there's only a first and a last!) and Keira is the first of the next. The circle is complete I would say, but hopefully Keira's generation of CLW will be stronger than the mere two of us! 

I wish I was there in Singapore to be with them. But I am saving my vacation for when they visit my grandmother, Keira's great-grandmother, hopefully in December.

For now, I have to wait for the next pictures and videos of her through the interweb!

Oh Canadian music!

I have heard a very nice song from Amy Seeley about two and a half months ago and it got stuck in my head. It is not the kind of music I would typically listen to, but that one touched me...well, surprisingly so!

I have listened to it a few times after that and it touched me deeply every single time. Then, I forgot about it....
But I was watching TV the other day and an Ikea commercial came on and I was convinced it was Amy Seeley...but it was not.
The song in the commercial was from Mary Milne, also a Canadian artist.



I guess it is not the same voice, but it is the same feeling. And in my musical ignorance and having not listened to Amy lately, I was convinced, incorrectly so, that both songs are from the same artist. Kudos to me for actually googling it! From now on, I shall broaden my musical horizons and listen to more Canadian artists! (I could not figure out if Amy Seeley is actually Canadian, but she does live in Alberta!)....now, where do I start?

Runners' Circle

That's it. I'm one of them now.

I do not think of myself as a runner. I started running in the summer of 2010 because, on a whim, I had signed up for a 5k run and I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of hundreds by walking along the route. So that's how I started to go to the Nike Runners Lounge where they provided running gear to trial and run leaders to accompany you on designated routes.

So for the last year and a half (almost), I have regularly been to the lounge, but that does not mean I am a runner. But I have definitely made some progress. Whereas the first time I ran, I had to stop pretty much every 2-3 minutes to walk, I can now run at least 70 mins without stopping. And since the lounge has been dismantled into regional groups, I have taken the initiative to run by lakeshore on my own to train for the upcoming runs that I have signed up for.

Today, the weather was bad, light drizzle all day. So when I went for my run, there was not a lot of people on the path. The few runners who crossed my path though, all smiled or waved or nodded at me.  This is the runners' unspoken code. The bond of people who run despite the foul weather. The silent acknowledgement and encouragement from someone who knows your pain.

It makes me smile that they are acknowledging such a poser as me though. I feel like I should keep up the runs just so that I deserve that acknowledgement!!

In the presence of love and passion

I attended a performance of The Sleeping Beauty by Canada's National Ballet the other day. 
By chance, it was Heather Ogden and Guillaume Côté performing for the matinée session.
I have a special interest in these 2 dancers. This interest was triggered when I read in Ballet News that they got married, in 2010. Both young and good-looking, both principal dancers in the company, and both in love and married to each other. What could be more romantic?

I like to watch couples in love. The dynamics of a couple always fascinate me. I have read somewhere that the strength of any relationship is only as strong as the one with the weaker feelings.

I have read an article in The National Post about the 2 lovebirds and how it happened. I tried, through that article to determine who loves whom more. Of course, I didn't find an answer. Watching the performance, that was foremost on my mind. But like I have discussed before, nobody knows and sometimes we do not even know the depth of our own feelings.

The chemistry on stage was undeniable. Both dancers were professional throughout, graceful as ever.  When it ended, Guillaume was gentlemanly and affectionate. *I* was in love. Heather seemed a bit 'cooler' than Guillaume, no over-the-top public display of affection. I can understand that. Nobody else knows how a couple interacts with each other when they are alone, except the 2 subjects involved, but from what I have seen so far, the fascination is here to stay. It is fueled by the passion Guillaume and Heather both have for ballet which is one of my interests. Dancing at a professional level undoubtedly requires hard work and dedication, courage and determination. All of which I would think is a good base for any relationship.

Would have the performance been different if the principal roles were played by two other dancers? Probably! I came out of it, thinking how magical it was. I have never enjoyed a performance as much as that one. Note to self: to create magic, mix love, passion and beauty!

Below is a video of Heather talking about rehearsals for The Sleeping Beauty.

A manual to ... love!

This is what I stumbled on the other day while searching for the lyrics to a song...

A wiki page on how to love: http://www.wikihow.com/Love 

In summary, the 7 steps are:
1. Know that your love for the other person is real.
2. Say it.
3. Empathize.
4. Love unconditionally.
5. Expect nothing in return.
6. Realize it can be lost.
7. Never stop loving.

Let's see if I know how to love.
Hmm...Most people KNOW when #1 is true.
Some people, however, can convince themselves that they love, or that they don't love someone. I have been guilty of doing both. I have found that the control I have over my own mind is quite strong. But when I know, I know. I might convince myself that the love is not real for other reasons, but deep down I know.

#2 is harder. I have written about it before in this blog (These 3 words entry). I have found myself in situations where I was suppressing the urge to say it too. Mostly because it kinda goes against how I was raised, or maybe by saying it, it makes me more vulnerable. Ok, so #2 needs work.

I know how to empathize. I actually do it so often that I sometimes look back and think how stupid I am. The other party would never empathize with me the same way I did and I don't even need to 'love' them to be able to empathize with them. #3 checked.

#4 and #5 go hand in hand I think. If you love unconditionally, you do not expect anything in return.  Sometimes I see how some couples work on the principle that one will love the other only if the other fits into the description of the perfect partner. Modify the behaviour a bit, or one of them being slightly moody for a few days, and you can feel the love tangibly diminishing. The 'expect nothing in return' is actually quite hard to do. Even in our most basic relationships, you expect something in return. You give affection and you expect affection in return. Sure, you can take rejection every now and then, but repeatedly giving without getting anything back in return could destroy someone to the core. Even if you don't expect love in return, you expect your love to be respected if not reciprocated.
I truly believe I can love unconditionally. I am not so sure if I can love without expecting anything in return. Maybe I should suggest a correction to the wiki, that if #4 stays, then #5 should be 'Try not to expect anything in return, have low expectations and you shall be surprised when you get something in return. That in turn will make you love the person more'. Ironic, isn't it? If you love more, and expect less, you will be loved more.

The realization that love can be lost dawns on everybody every now and then, I believe. Only people who are over-confident, conceited and/or arrogant would claim not to ever fear the loss of love. Like I have mentioned in a few of my posts, you never know the extent to which others love you. That is and will remain a mystery. Unless someone invents a machine one day that allows you to read someone else's feelings and actually convert it to your own frequency, there is no way for someone to understand the depth of someone else's feelings. That is why I live in the fear of losing someone's love. As a kid, I listened to my parents because I feared the only people in the world hard-wired to love me will stop loving me. Hell, I still hide some things from my parents in the fear of disappointing and eventually losing their love! #6, definitely checked.

#7: Never stop loving.
Hmm...Whatever happened to 'never say never'? (Known expression, from way before Bieber was born!).
This is probably the one which challenges me the most. Every time I get hurt in friendship or love, I will myself not to care anymore, harden my little heart up, and trudge forward until some kind of balance is regained. Then something infallibly happens. My memory fails me and I open up again and before I know it, I'm friends with the person again. Logically, this is a vicious circle that I can only stop by stopping to love. Emotionally and instinctively though, that goes against my nature. Even though I can control my mind, I cannot control my heart. Damn you, little heart.
#7 checked, unfortunately.


Score: 5 out of 7.
I think I'm doing okay. Maybe I'll modify #2 and #5 so I can check all of them!